Dilemma

Assalamualaikum

Currently I'm posted to HSM to do O&G..and today is my third day being here. I'm now suffering from an unease feeling which is difficult to explain. I try to comfort myself by thinking that those happened because of hormonal imbalance and what not..but physiologically I am in balance state right now! I don't know..

O&G..that's the issue..

Since I was in my school age, I really into this career. I really wanna be an O&G specialist and I really adore Dr Har. At that time, I just knew a little on job scope and workload as a doctor. I didn’t know what doctors exactly do in hospital. I didn’t know what is specialist is all about.

Now I know them. I know things that I should know. But that's not the problem now..

The problem is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saya dah start rase dilemma whether nak teruskan ngan minat lama or not. Truly speaking I'm not that happy to be here. Environment yg saya nak takde. I know that I shouldn’t blame the  environment..but then itu yg berlaku skrg..saya sgt sedih. I shouldn’t be like this..3 hari je dah takde mood. Ya Allah, give me strength! Saya nak terus stay on this path..but I really need support. Saya tahu ini sume nye dugaan dari Allah, untuk saya jadi lebih tabah.

Saya nak balik semangat yang saya ade waktu IM and Paeds..

My dear friends.. I really want u guys to support me. I don’t want to dislike this posting. Walhal saya sangat suka baca buku die. Saya jarang beli medical book, but one of the book yg saya impikan nak beli dari dulu was Ten Teachers. And skrg I have these 2 books. And I'm very happy to have them. And I wish that I can keep them sampai saya jadi specialist in future.

I just don’t like the environment when I'm in the hospital. Everybody is not doing the right thing. I hate that! Saya tak nafikan that saya pun tak lepas dari lakukan sebarang kesilapan. But bila basic and simple order pun ramai yg tak boleh buat, I feel sad..very very sad..coz I don’t want other people to mistrust us. Dari first year sampai skrg, I tried my best to like and love my group, that of course given by lecturer. I felt happy in my group in Year 1 and 2. but now?it's hard nak put into words. Tapi tak kisah la, I still want to try. insyaAllah, Allah takkan mensiasiakan usaha hambaNya. Saya nak belajar…….coz I know time is short..and second chance will never mean anything.

Case sgt banyak kat ward..tapi ape yg saya dah buat selama 3 hari kat sini? Saya rasa sgt rugi..Ya Allah. Saya rasa kurang confident nak pegi jumpa patient sorang2..tapi saya tak tau nak ajak sape temankan saya. Sometimes, I really feel neglected. I don't know how to share this feeling with other person. please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are a few more thingy that make me feel this way..tengok labour, cara kerja, etc. Dah tak mampu nak tulis kat sini..penat bersedih!even dah cuba sedaya upaya to be as cheerful as possible. insyaAllah FALAH will be mine!

-NuRFaLaH-