Setelah sekian lama

Salam muharam

Semoga kita semua menjadi hamba Allah yg lebih baik.

After sometimes, i have changed a lot. Good and bad. 

3 weeks left before final exam..and i have no idea what is inside my brain. Kosong. I am deteriorating and not functioning well for the past few months. So sad. 

And i am doing psychiatry right now..a posting where other people like most. (But not for me). And i am being the leader for my group..a quite challenging task!

O Allah, please give me strength!

Raya

Minal aidil wal faaizeen..selamat hari raya untuk diri saya..

Syawal tiba lagi meninggalkan Ramdhan dengan rasa pilu..coz i dont think that i was being good throughout the Ramadhan..the bitter part is MY MISSION IS NOT ACHIEVED..a bit (alot, actually) of frustrated there. And i turned down..feeling like i'm such a bad person. Astaghfirullah..may Allah forgive me.

Sepanjang Ramadhan jarang sekli saya merepek kat sini..coz i was trying not to deviate myself from my core duties. Anyway, i was busy preparing my research proposal for the past one month. InsyaAllah we will proceed soon. Not to forget, i got weekly assessments during my last posting (cuak sangat..and to read and digest the given notes/slides were really time-consuming).. alhamdulillah i got such a better result, all beyond my expectation..*barakah Ramadhan mungkin*

Weekend pula macam tak hengat dunia tidur..sleep debt konon!pastu nak buat amalan Ramadhan yg maha super best lagi dan tak mungkin belum tentu akan buat di bulan2 yg lain. All these things menyebabkan saya  kurang merepek disini.

Tapi kenapa saya nak cite time2 sekarang?raya kot! Ahaks..itu sume flashback je sebelum masuk fasa  raya..

3 hari sebelum raya saya dah tercangak kat rumah ni.ponteng kelas sehari! Apabila dirumah as usual, tugas sebagai kakak sulong bermula... Walau bagaimanapun..mood raya amatlah kurang untuk tahun ni.dunno why.

And today 1 Syawal 1433H..tak best sangat pun.boring je. Nasib baik ade Siputih I menceriakan suasana..terima kasih kerana menemani saya dan keluarge^^ At least dapatla juga buat photoshoot sikit2..
Raya for this past few years sangatlah tak best untuk family kitorang (kadang2 best sikit). Saya tak kisah pun sebab dah besar, and alhamdulillah waktu kecik2 dulu best. Cuma saya kesiankan adik2 saya yg patutnya merasai nikmat raya sekarang..bcoz ithink they dont really have full picture of what raya is about.kesian kan..huhu..tapi saya pun taktau nak tolong camane. Tapi nasib baik my mom is good enough to make all of us happy even without feeling the real raya.

Let see if tomorrow is better than today!

Wassalam

...

yaAllah..

engkaulah sebaik2 pemelihara..

engkau juga sebaik2 perancang..

beri mereka kekuatan..

dan beri aku juga kekuatan..

dan beri kami semua kekuatan..

kekuatan berbeza..

tapi tujuan yang sama..

sesungguhnya hanya padaMu tempat kami berserah..

semoga mereka beroleh keberkatan

Salam Ramadhan

Salam Ramadhan Kareem


hidup baru sebagai seorang pelajar telah bermula 2 minggu yang lalu..


seminggu sebelum Ramadhan menjelma, kaki ini telah melangkah dengan sebak meninggalkan tanah Matang..tak sampai hati nak cium baby sebab takut air mata mengalir..tapi tak mengapa..itu semua pengorbanan*_*


selama seminggu jugak..perut saya menderita. begitu tak dapat menerima perubahan sytem pemakanan bila berjauhan dari rumah..sume orang tak suka makan sangat..dan saya juga have to follow(menangis dalam hati)..bila masak kat rumah, everybody was enough dengan sepinggan nasi..tapi tidak saya.huhu.


alhamdulillah, masuk Ramadhan je ok..sebab roh tu ade.even sakit perut sikit2 tapi still boleh tolerate.


semoga azam saya untuk Ramadhan kali ini tercapai insyaAllah


..too much things happen..too much to say..and i just end up saying nothing..perhaps nanti when i have free time i should jot down here.


*im now busy preparing for my research proposal


Qoute from my supervisor:


"if u are serious with your career, u have to keep doing researches..
...and doing a research is not an easy work..u have to be very good in understanding.."


"seriousness.sincerity.interest"


and she really wants us to become good researchers like our beloved Prof R..
insyaAllah ameen..

Mood O&G please

Hal ini ditulis semata-mata untuk mendapatkan mood..kerana sesungguhnya esok saya akan menduduki peperiksaan Obstetrics&Gynaecology MED 3048 bagi tahun 3 MBBS. Owh..skemA nye!

Once upon a time, ayah asked me:

"kamu penah sambut baby kat hospital?"

"penah. Tapi sekali je la..tu pun sebab specialist tu tarik."

"semua org dah penah try la?" (referring to my groupmates)

"nope..rasenye takde kot..susah nak dapat peluang sebab dokter salu tak kasi"

"bagusla kamu dapat..tu rezeki kamu la..nak jadi pakar sakit puan"

*conclusion yg sangat menakjubkan*.hoho.

I never thought about that until that day when this conversation happened.

Before I joined medical school, I really wanted to become an obstetrician. But until I did O&G posting, my mind changed. I am confused now. 

When I told ayah that I'm interested in General Medicine, he didn't look happy.

"takkan u nak jadi dokter biasa je sampai bile bile. U should have at least 2 Masters. Have u ever heard about NARITA pioneer? He had 5 masters with him. That's why he became a successful man."

"u should take another degree too..perhaps homeopathy..so that u will not become a rigid and close-minded doctor in future. A doctor shouldn't listen solely to what pharmaceutical agent promotion..coz they just want to sell their drugs."

"tengok kawan ayah yang Dr A tu, die pun ade MBBS..then baru die study homeopathy."

When ayah asked me whether I'm interested in surgery or not..definitely my answer was NO..and will always be NO! My dad was fine with that. But he still wants me to become an obstetrician.

"kalau tidak, sia-sia lah ayah melabur..ni semua untuk kebaikan orang Islam. Kalau bukan kamu, siapa lagi. Dah berapa ramai perempuan kat hospital yang delivered by male doctor? There should be a way..that condition was not dharurat by any means.."

Oh NO.. I can't accept those! I knew it from the beginning. But I really need a good, healthy and warm environment to grow better in this field. (which I couldn't find it yet)

When I did Reproductive block during my second year, I wished to get an 'A' so that my ambition to become an O&G specialist would be brighter..but the results came out B+. I was thinking about to ask faculty to recheck my paper, but I was not moved because I didn't want to put shame on me.-.-

Eventually,  my result changed on the exam transcript. It was an A- (I have no idea how that thing was possible)

Tomorrow, I will be doing my O&G written exam. and again my wish is the same. I want to get an A.

Wish me luck~

O Allah..please guide me..insyaAllah I'll try my best.

wassalam

Reports

owh..
argh..
haish..
aiyy..


itu semua adalah lafaz yang kedengaran bila berbicara tentang reports (but the problem is..we are not just talking indeed we are doing the reports because we have to)


sape je manusia yg suka buat report..kalau ade makhluk macam tu memang saya nak jumpa die..


reports ni macam tak berbaloi. sgt sikit percentage die..
mmg la untuk tujuan belajar..tapi why at this time? ade banyak lagi benda yang lebih penting daripada reportsss ni..such as study untuk final exam dan lain-lain


semoga terus diberi kekuatan

everything happen for a reason

yesterday i met my doctor to ask her on my condition

me: 

doctor, i'm having this since yesterday, and am already took one shot of injection but the condition doesn't seem to improve..how is it?

doctor: 

don't worry..just continue with ur medication first. what i'm gonna  tell u is u should recite salawat 100x, istighfar 100x, La ilaha illallah 100x and  al-Fatihah 40x. make it as ur daily routine..insyaAllah, those are 'ubat yg paling mujarab' for everything. 

could u remember what i'm telling u?

me:

yes, sure.. thank you doctor..thanks alot 

a short conversation between us. she told me that she was in rush while talking to me..but at least she had told me something..which actually a kind of reminder

i knew everything from my parents..they are well knowledge people who teach us with many good deeds and amalan. my parents always being a good parents to me and my siblings 

but me..a bad daughter. Hamba Allah yang tak tau bersyukur. tanda syukur is not by only  saying Alhamdulillah, but it's more than anything..your attitude should reflect that u are grateful. a grateful 'Abd will get closer to his Khaliq 

saya rasa dah menyimpang jauh from the right path..saya banyak memberi alasan to myself untuk tidak melakukan itu dan ini..betapa besarnya pengaruh La'natullah Syaitan dalam hidup saya.

saya mampu mendidik nafsu kearah kebaikan bila tibanya Ramadhan..dimana syaitan-syaitan itu telah diikat.. so now, saya harus mendidik nafsu supaya tidak tunduk dengan syaitan. insyaAllah..perlu bermujahadah

semoga ape yang berlaku menjadi turning point untuk kehidupan yang lebih bermakna.insyaAllah

wassalam

..sad moment..

sedikit rasa sedih..


tapi apakan daya..it sume hak individu and i have no right to decide for others.


dari kecil sampai la dah 20 skrg..i always think that i'm not nobody.


it's proven anyway.


..any idea yg keluar dari mulut saya jarang diguna pakai oleh org lain even the idea is good.
..dalam ramai-ramai org, suara saya paling kurang didengari dan diendahkan
..i used to say something vague kot. coz ble saya cakap..respond dari org adalah "eh, yeke.." "bukan macam ni ke.." or just ignore it or "awak buat la"


yes..i'm nobody..(this one tak perlu dipertikaikan)


..saya tak pernah jadi orang penting untuk sesiapa
..dan saya tak penting dalam hidup sesiapa
..dan tak pernah ade orang yang tak boleh hidup tanpa saya
..dan mungkin tanpa saya sume orang akan bahagia dan gembira 
bcoz..kewujudan dan ketiadaan saya tak memberi makna ape2 untuk sesiapa


even saya nampak keras kepala..kepala batu..degil..selfish..ego..penting diri..suka melawan..suka bergaduh..tak reti nak senyum  and apeape lagi seumpamanya..
tapi sebenarnye saya tak keras hati.


saya pun bukan nye selfish sangat..kalau ye..saya takkan rela buat sume benda ni..sume benda yg saya buat sekarang hanya mampu dilakukan oleh orang yang tak selfish.


that one thing..when i was about to do it..no one agree..so i give up once (because i know i can't do it without their help)


but then..when someone else take it..i feel so sad and i can't stop myself from not to cry. just imagine..


YaAllah..give me the strength..
tanamkan sifat keikhlasan yang teguh dalam diriku..
let me be somebody to someone who will appreciate my presence (my parents and my siblings)


YaAllah..put this feeling away from me..
i never want to have this feeling
i don't want to have this awkward moment 


please..

am i stupid?

i don't mind if ppl asked me to do things that i can do and i know how to do

because when i don't know, everything will turns like this

blur+malas+bosan=now

dimanakah positive aura??

saya tahu saya rajin..saya tahu saya berpotensi..saya tahu saya genius..saya tahu saya multitasker..saya tahu saya compatible..saya tahu itu..saya tahu ini..tentang kemelampauan saya..

tapi..

how im gonna do this?? ini saya tak tahu..

Allah please guide me..don't let me go 'astray' in this 

wassalam

Saat ini

Saat ini,,
aku cuba memaksa diri 
untuk tidak tunduk pada kehendak diri
untuk melawan nafsu
untuk mengawal gelora jiwa
yang kian meruntun 


Saat ini
aku tetap sepi sendirian
meskipun disisiku ada insan lain
kerana ada rindu yang kusimpan
yang tak akan terlerai
selagi aku disini


kerana aku memaksa diri
aku memendam rasa ini
rasa yang membuat aku janggal 
rasa yang membuat hatiku menangis
dan rasa ini harus ku buang jauh
dan aku harus jadi insan yang ikhlas


kerana disitu pasti ada hikmah yang belum tersingkap
kerana Allah Maha Mengetahui..


dan Allah juga Maha Mengasihani
dan Dia tidak akan biarkan HambaNya begini
kerana aku yakin dengan janji Allah

wassalam..

iktibar dan pengajaran

Pada mulanya..saya agak menyesal dan rasa bersalah kerana dah tersilap pilih kampung untuk survey..kerana mengikut kata mereka..every single house kat situ has dog or dogs..*kisah phobia dgn that animal bermain-main dalam kepala*. 

Bila saya jumpa my patient yg tinggal kat nearby kampung..she told me this and that about those villages..kecut perut..hampir menggigil mendengarnya.. Nak ubah tempat would probably impossible or i'll be fired. saya hanya share cerita ngeri tersebut dengan few people yg terlibat dengan pemilihan tempat ni je..and we decided not to tell everyone else. 

Dengan kesuntukan masa yg diberi, kami teruskan juga amanah ini dengan mindset 'mungkin ade hikmah disebalik ini'..dan Alhamdulillah..we finished it over weekend..

<<experiences>>

• Saya jmpe org susah - satu Indian aunty ni..umah die jauh dr umah org lain..tingkap pn xde cermin..sgt daif..rse sgt sedih ble jmpe dpn mata sendiri..bekalan letrik dan air pun takde..malam pakai lilin..bilik air luar rumah guna air perigi yg cetek (which mean air yg kurang bersih)..bila banjir umah die masuk air..anak2 kecik2 lagi..campur kena jaga 2 anak sedara yg kematian ibu..salah seorangnye cacat..umah die serba kekosongan..walaupun tingal 9 org kat situ.

• then ade satu Indian family tu..they have to take care of very old stoke parents (grandparents)..despite that, they all looked very happy, cheering each other, joking and laughing..macam takde masalah. i was touched..seriously i couldn't imagine myself being in their shoes.

• Satu lg umah ni anak die bedridden..masih unresponsive lepas accident on January..ade lori langgar die naik motor..ade severe head injury..dah buat operation kat HKL..now he look very cachexic..padahal umur baru 22. the head looks asymmetry..hanya terbaring atas katil hospital yg dibawa balik umah..CBD masih on..ade tracheostomy..makan ikut nasogastric tube  je..mak die ckp kadang die bukak mata..tendang2..tapi tak alert. Ade adik perempuan umur 18 tahun yg jaga abang die ni..sgt penyabar I guess. Semoga Allah beri kekuatan pada keluarga mereka.. YaAllah,,jauhkan aku dan keluargaku drpd musibah sebegitu..yg tak terdaya kami menaggunggnya..

There were few more experiences and lessons that i learnt from the survey..nak tulis panjang2 pun tak larat coz i have unsettled pages of report to go. ape yg penting..memang betulla ade hikmah di sebalik kedatangan kami ke kampung tersebut..kalau tidak, tak kan pernah tahu bahawa di zaman era maju ini, masih ade insan yang menderita yang memerlukan..setakat tengok dalam tv atau dgr org lain bercerita..ia kurang terkesan..tapi bila da jumpa dengan mata kepala sendiri..rasa macam nak menitiskan air mata.. 

Kepada yang diberi nikmat oleh Allah..jadilah hamba yang bersyukur..ingatlaah disaat anda bergembira masih ade yang berduka.. Kalau rasa diri dalam kesusahan..kita hanya akan tahu kita bertuah bile melihat orang lain yang lebih menderita..

justeru..buka mata..buka minda..jangan hidup untuk diri sendiri je..coz tanpa kite sedar..ade orang lain yang hidup untuk kita..dan kita sebenarnya hidup atas kesusahan orang lain

Tentang doggy..biarlah mereka..saya tetap takkan suka

walaupun penat..i'm happy and satisfied..and there were things that should be kept as secret between four of us~

wassalam^^

Best day in O&G

(this should be posted 2 days ago)

Assalamualaikum..

I DON'T LIKE THIS POSTING!!!

I always have that phrase in mind waktu awal2 masuk posting o&g or lebih dikenali dengan perbidanan&sakit puan. Tapi tu sume dulu hampir 2 bulan yang lalu..as time passing, saya dah boleh adapt sikit..and my conclusion is "you can find happiness if u're searching for it, although it is not an easy job to do"

Last Thursday time saya and kawan2 datang on call, ade dokter suruh one of us pasangkan branula kat sorang patient ni..dipendekkan kisah, saya yang kurang experience ni menjadi mangsa. Segalanya berjalan agak lancar hinggalah saat nak flush saline kt branula tu. Branula is a small tube inserted into a vein for introducing fluid or medication. Sepatutnya, flush tu dilakukan to test for functioning of the branula. Bila saya tanya dokter, die cakap "awk nak flush ke? Ikut suke la.." seolah mcm tak penting. *I don't know*.

So saya pun attach kan syringe yang berisi saline to the branula..dan dengan lemah lembut, saya tekan slowly..tapi mcm ade resistance to the flow..saya terus mencuba..and finally ade back flow yg menyebabkan everything terpancut to my face and my white coat. Ouch! Hanya Allah knows my feeling mase tu..takut masuk mulut..takut patient tu has any blood-borne disease..geli..and disheartened myself..nasib baik ade kawan2.. My conclusion is: branula tu tak berfungsi..tapi takde dokter yg nak peduli..so besok pagi patient tu akan dicucuk lagi sekali oleh morning shift HO..*poor patient management I guess*

Destination bertukar ke labour room.and as usual, wearing mask is a must for me. First thing to do when u're posted to labour room is seeing patient namelists. So bile tengok kat board tu, there was one patient a primigravida at 37 week of gestation with twin pregnnacy..that considered as special case.  Itu yang menguatkan semangat 4 of us to stay and observe her delivery..after hours of waiting, then only specialist asked her to push.

That specialist scolded us for standing there and doing nothing..she said that medical student should also participate and conduct delivery..and we, as usual:*speechless*.

"You..(sambil baca displayed name on my coat) go and get your gown and sterile gloves ready!!"

Dalam hati saya terfikir what is going to be next..tapi saya hanya mengikut order.

At ~2.30am, first baby was born with vacuum assisted. Ultrasound was done to look for presentation of the second baby..and it was cephalic. About one hour later, the head of the second baby muncul..crowning..bile kepala die dah keluar, that specialist took my hand and she asked me to conduct..*I'm shocked*..i did everything under her supervision..when the baby's body was out, I put her on her mother's tummy..i clamped her umbilical cord, cut it..and the baby is ready to be taken by nurse. After delivery of placenta, then only I knew that the twins are monochorionic diamniotic type..which we just discussed while waiting for them to come out. After that, I assisted the doctor holding speculum while she was suturing. Finally I unscrub myself at about 4 am.

Walaupun we had to stay longer, I felt worthy..and I learnt a few things..and I conducted a twin delivery..and I feel happy..and I feel better..and I have the spirit back..

Since case wite up tak siap lagi..i couldn't sleep that day..sampai rumah at about 5am..terus clean up the whole thing  yang dah berlumuran darah..solat isyak one hour before solat subuh..and print out write ups..at 8am..pergi hospital as usual..and this gonna be my daily schedule as a house officer in 2 years time.insyaAllah

*I should write what ayah told me regarding my future..his hope on me..and my career.

-NuRFaLaH-

Happy Birthday Baby

19/3/2012- first birthday anniversary of my little baby MaryamNadhirah


happy birthday baby..walaupun baby taktau pape, but i want her to know that i love her so much, miss her day and night and can't wait to see her soon


umi just told me yesterday that she could stand unsupported and begin to walk a few steps. i couldn't imagine that small creature walk by herself.


satu lagi, tak sabar nak tengok die bercakap. for this time being, she can only says few pelat words but can't put into sentences. but im very sure that she understand everything that we said to her.


now, baby dah pandai merengek when she wants something, dah pandai jeles bile orang lain dekat dengan umi, dah pandai nak rebut phone and can play with herself!


smg baby membesar dgn baik, jadi anak yang solehah buah hati sume orang^^


hope that she is the last baby in our home. everyone hopes so.


p/s: i wonder mcamane nak kawen if there still have a newbie at home.plez say no!


t.h.a.t. i.s. f.o.r. t.h.i.s. t.i.m.e.^^

Dilemma

Assalamualaikum

Currently I'm posted to HSM to do O&G..and today is my third day being here. I'm now suffering from an unease feeling which is difficult to explain. I try to comfort myself by thinking that those happened because of hormonal imbalance and what not..but physiologically I am in balance state right now! I don't know..

O&G..that's the issue..

Since I was in my school age, I really into this career. I really wanna be an O&G specialist and I really adore Dr Har. At that time, I just knew a little on job scope and workload as a doctor. I didn’t know what doctors exactly do in hospital. I didn’t know what is specialist is all about.

Now I know them. I know things that I should know. But that's not the problem now..

The problem is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Saya dah start rase dilemma whether nak teruskan ngan minat lama or not. Truly speaking I'm not that happy to be here. Environment yg saya nak takde. I know that I shouldn’t blame the  environment..but then itu yg berlaku skrg..saya sgt sedih. I shouldn’t be like this..3 hari je dah takde mood. Ya Allah, give me strength! Saya nak terus stay on this path..but I really need support. Saya tahu ini sume nye dugaan dari Allah, untuk saya jadi lebih tabah.

Saya nak balik semangat yang saya ade waktu IM and Paeds..

My dear friends.. I really want u guys to support me. I don’t want to dislike this posting. Walhal saya sangat suka baca buku die. Saya jarang beli medical book, but one of the book yg saya impikan nak beli dari dulu was Ten Teachers. And skrg I have these 2 books. And I'm very happy to have them. And I wish that I can keep them sampai saya jadi specialist in future.

I just don’t like the environment when I'm in the hospital. Everybody is not doing the right thing. I hate that! Saya tak nafikan that saya pun tak lepas dari lakukan sebarang kesilapan. But bila basic and simple order pun ramai yg tak boleh buat, I feel sad..very very sad..coz I don’t want other people to mistrust us. Dari first year sampai skrg, I tried my best to like and love my group, that of course given by lecturer. I felt happy in my group in Year 1 and 2. but now?it's hard nak put into words. Tapi tak kisah la, I still want to try. insyaAllah, Allah takkan mensiasiakan usaha hambaNya. Saya nak belajar…….coz I know time is short..and second chance will never mean anything.

Case sgt banyak kat ward..tapi ape yg saya dah buat selama 3 hari kat sini? Saya rasa sgt rugi..Ya Allah. Saya rasa kurang confident nak pegi jumpa patient sorang2..tapi saya tak tau nak ajak sape temankan saya. Sometimes, I really feel neglected. I don't know how to share this feeling with other person. please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There are a few more thingy that make me feel this way..tengok labour, cara kerja, etc. Dah tak mampu nak tulis kat sini..penat bersedih!even dah cuba sedaya upaya to be as cheerful as possible. insyaAllah FALAH will be mine!

-NuRFaLaH-